Well, sat on the big bird again (A380).Manchester are doing work to the runways so only one in operation and you know what that means, DELAY. Great. Yeh yeh, the captain is doing all he can to arrange an earlier slot, not in the slightest bit comforting. Half an hour later, the Captain announced that he’s negotiated a 5 minute shortening of the delay. Harry krishna he ain’t. At least the two people blocking my escape route sat to my right seem reasonable enough and if the worst comes to the worst, they should be easy enough to trample over. Nearly time to take off, so for now, Moscow.
Later,
Dubai airport again in the middle of the night, 4am. would be quite interesting but this is my 9th time now. Yet another night without sleep, plan to arrive in Mumbai at 8am, Just to climb in the back of a Tata car and go for a ride for 5 hours or so. Them roads them roads them shaky roads, them roads them roads them shaky roads, them roads them roads them shaky roads so here’s the word of the allahlord. No offence meant. Mustn’t forget to change some cash when I get there or else I can’t buy Callum some fancy costume again. He really loves his spangly dangly jewely costume I got last time. Also I will need enough money to tip everyone who dares to look at me. Once again. Moscow.
A little bit more later
Left Mumbai airport and was very glad that it didn’t smell as bad as last time. Still just as hot but I guess them portaloos the’ve installed must be working. Off we go for the roller coaster ride down the road, nothing much has changed, baby elephants being carted from one place to the next, god knows why. Women sat on the back of mopeds, both legs of course on one side so as not to amuse the billion young blokes lining all the roads, why. This seems to have a downside though as their draping clothes tend to waft a little close to the rear wheel. I suppose the bike would probably break before the garments anyway. Still not very safety conscious. A dog left dying in the road after being hit by a van that looks as if it had been decorated by Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen. A man stood on the top of a roofed lorry travelling at around 60mph. Now remember what I have said about the roads, daredevil. It’s no wonder you have to beep the car in front when you try to go around it when the driver has folded in the wing mirrors of one of the very few that have them. I guess their easier to snap off when their out but i guess someone is missing the point. Pass a nice new advertisement showing a lovely couple embracing and the words very simply said “unwanted 72″, Work it out!
Client phones the driver on way to hotel, do I want to come and do the audit now. On your %$”*& bike I muttered, quickly translating into polite english, whilst beginning to suffer from jet lag, no sleep and dribbling down my chin after biting my Tongue again, blooming pot holes.
Get to the hotel and no surprises, the website photo’s must have been taken 40years ago. There seems to be only one other staying here and there must be 30 staff. Like they don’t give you too much attention anyway. Pool looks rancid, gym equipment completely rusty, Walls need a jolly good paint and the filthy river running by. They must have taken the pics in the monsoon season when the river was more than a slowly moving muddy puddle. People still trying to fish though, god the’ve got spirit. Bed is a wooden plank with a very very very thin mattress topper, nearly broke my back twice sitting down on it. Will have to get my memory sorted soon, will have to get my memory sorted soon, will have to…. Oops. Notice a strange sign by the kettle, got do they really have this much trouble with it. see pic: . Still, let’s look on the bright side, no cows in reception.
Sun going down and still 32 degrees C, humidity through the roof. Why on earth they insisted in showing me the steam room by the gym I’ll never know. Sipping what once was a nice cool kingfisher beer in the netted off area by the pool (Dont trust anything with water or ice). After 5 minutes its warm enough to wash your baby in. I now understand why the guy behind the bar asked me to touch the bottle to confirm to him that it was actually cold. Should have had one of them cocktails he was offering me. Anyway, for now Moscowmule.
Next day
Got dropped off at the factory by the driver but no one was there, had to wait an hour for someone to turn up and let me in. While I was waiting I decided to phone my contact who I set the audit up with. After listening to his gravelly voice. Realised that he wasn’t in India on his way to the factory but actually in bed at home in Kuwait, two ours behind us. Think it was about 6:30 his time, oops. When I get back to work the first thing is a grovelly email apology. A bit later, At least that’s the factory audit out of the way.
Got to the second hotel, well this is more like it, a nice place. Before we could pull up at the door, the car was stopped and searched by armed guards to make sure there were no bombs. Stupid really cos I could have had one in my suitcase but they were never going to ask me to open it. It was more for show than anything else. When I got to the door I had to be body scanned and my case was x-rayed. They didn’t even do that at the burj al Arab in Dubai. The lobby was very posh and within the internal atrium there was a circular waterfall shaped fountain from the 7th floor to the ground, Nice touch. As per usual, a gang of helpers wanting to do everything for me. I get to the desk and the woman says I have to pay for the room as the clients have only booked it. After discussions with my client he insisted that he will pay for it but he then asked me to get ask his colleague (who actually booked it) to ring the hotel and sort it. He did ring me, said that I would have to pay for it myself and then hung up. Charming. Maybe that apology conversation with my client will be a two way thing.
Had another curry for my tea. I know I like curry but having one 3 times a day for 4 days running does get the sphincter twitching and I think I’m all curried out. Quick chat with the wife but she has company and is too busy for me to enter her life for 5 minutes!!!
Well never mind, I’ll have to go for a beer in the bar. There two dodgy Dutch people who have been hired to sing British songs. Now, ” lady in red” isn’t quite the same with the Dutch schleers in it. Itsch a schlady in reeeeed, schesh dansching with me. Sounds a bit like Sean Connery. One drink in here was enough so I decided to go to the roof terrace pool bar and restaurant which overlooks the airport. Very nice too.
Managed to upgrade my flight home anyway so that’s a bonus, emirates lounge at Mumbai airport is a godsend.
Morning after
Get up early, take a few photo’s from the roof of the hotel in the light. Now you can actually see what’s around you, slums.
Check out and get in the chauffeur car from emirates for the quick trip to the airport. Queue after queue to get through all the security checks.
Ahhhhhh the emirates business lounge, a comforting sight. Get myself a buzzy head after drinking a number of cups of coffee, haven’t dared to have one whilst I’ve been in India in fear of dysentery. Help myself to a number of chocolates and some more curry for breakfast. The best ever blueberry smoothy in the world. Was nearly worth upgrading just for that. Buy callum an Indian (Russian style) doll on way to plane to use up my rupees , a little short of cash but after a long stare-out they let me off.
BomBYE for now
A bit later
Enjoyed the upgrade but gutted it was only for the short leg of the trip. Another 4 hour wait in Dubai airport and then an 8 hour journey in cattle class back to Manchester, the cold and reality. Looking forward to my own bed, Callum and the wifey. I think the cold will also be nice, well for 30 minutes anyway. Feel absolutely knackered but there is no rest for the wicked, back to work in the morning to write the report and catch up on all the other work that’s piled up this week, fun. Saturday will be the start of trying to work off all them curries me thinks. Got to loose a bit more too, have put a little on recently. It’s got to be the business trips, you normally startthe day with a cooked breakfast, its rude not too, the client normally prepares a mini feast for lunch and then you end up eating in restaurants in the evening. Couple this with the fact that your days are longer, i.e. Flying through the night, you end up having 5-6 proper meals every 24 hours. A true recipe for putting weight on.
DuBYE for now
updated with a bit more information and new pics
Mrs Jimbag loves this report and didn’t know her son was a such a comic, thanks for the laughs and quips, Perhaps you need to re-think your career, Cyprus you later.